You don’t do this, do you?

Right now I hear my heart going super fast. I’m really scared right now. Wow. Really hope that shit wasn’t laced…

Ok well back to why I opened this. It just seems as though lately I don’t see me in the mirror, I see someone else. She doesn’t look like me, not how i know her/remember her. I see a stranger. But other times I see the girl other people tell me they see. And i like her. But she’s not always there. And so now I want to try and see if I can get that Liana to stay in the mirror. I don’t want to have my own misconception of me. I feel like we have different minds, me and the stranger. Like the stranger OMG I JUST HEARD SPONGEBOB LAUGHING OUTSIDE OF MY SLIDING DOOR AND ITS DRIVING ME NUTS just doubts that the other Liana is actually there. And so when I’m in that mind I think the same thing. And this other mind is confused. About everything. And I feel really uncomfortable whenever I’m in that frame of mind. I still hear the laughing. So naturally I don’t want to be like her at all. I want to be the Liana who doesn’t worry about those thoughts and feels free.

I CAN HEAR THE SIRENS FROM MY SKIN SCREAMING OUTSIDE OF MY EARS

The System

The inner workings of this system involve the participation of all its constituents. Whether we choose to participate or not is not our decision. Though how we choose to participate is totally up to us. The system rewards us based on our participation. Those who fully immerse themselves within the system receive satisfaction and contentment. Those who choose to engage at only X percent, receive that percent of satisfaction. To not engage at all would mean to not be a part of the system. If we are to assume that the scope of the system extends beyond the physical world to include all metaphysical things, then it is not possible to exist outside of this system, given our current state of being. 

Find a way to increase your participation. Immerse yourself. The world never stops, everyone around you is participating in some form or another regardless of you. You cannot participate vicariously through others. You are only cheating yourself of your own satisfaction. Do whatever pleases you. Respond to those who show interest in participating with you. But do not expect them to always come to you. You are special. You are unique. Your habits, your thoughts are different from other’s. Be that person you’d wanna hang out with. Motivate yourself. Now. 

Cabbage patch

I’ll tell you what, let’s make a deal. We can be friends…forever.

Just promise me you won’t let anyone in. No one can ruin this. 

This bond we have. Look the door. We will be alone…together. 

This life is over. We will run to the finish line. Hand in hand. 

Candy lips

What death is to others, living is to me.

Sandstorm

Time for change. That is the symbolism of Fall. Now it is spring. I believe this is the time for rebirth. 

Birth. Blechh. 

My senses are heightened. Spring is upon us. Grasp the blades, the trunk of glory. We are falling headlong into a pile of primroses. Daffodils. Why do flowers smell so bad. 

Calculus

Feelings such as love and hate cannot be verbalized, cannot be defined in any linguistic manner because they lie outside the constraints of our vernacular. Language is effective at communicating thoughts and ideas. We, as human beings, are more than that. We experience visceral emotions - the feelings that cannot be controlled, cannot be quantified or analyzed the way one would a thought. Language fails us in this department. We cry, we scream, we smile because those actions are the only way in which we can communicate the indescribable. Emotions that overwhelm us, cause us to break and spill, are what define living. Not thoughts, not the mind. We do not think in terms of emotions. We think using words and images. But words and images are superficial. They can only reduce the emotion to a communicable concept - an idea of an emotion. (Happiness, sadness, anger - none of these words are what they claim to be. You understand them as an idea, a thought, but not as you do an emotion. Language betrays us this.) They do not capture the essence of that emotion. We cannot transfer these very deep, intimate feelings because they are intrinsic. They cannot exist without us. In turn we cannot exist without them. The term “human being” carries with it various implications. It serves to define what we are. We are human and we are being. It is dualistic. But what is being? Being sounds self-referential. Combined with human it sounds redundant. I know I am human, that is definite. But if I do not know what being is how can I define myself as such? I think and I feel. As a human that is how I am governed. Both are within my capacity. But what of being? Is it just one of those words we use to describe the indescribable, the intrinsic? Obviously. Philosophy strives to break this contextual confinement. We cannot help but think outside our emotions. Our thoughts depend on a flawed mechanism. That flawed mechanism is us. 

Coordinate. Beeeetwah.

It’s so hard to be interesting when you’ve lost interest in everything.  

As of lately I’ve felt devoid of words. Conversations have been reduced to meaningless regurgitations of oversimplified, overused sentiments. 

“Oh hi! It’s nice to see you.” “How are you?” “I’m ok.” “What have you been doing?”

Or silence. Mostly silence. As I sit or stand opposite my partner in dialogue I fidget uncomfortable in my mind, searching, waiting for something to say. Something stimulating, engaging, something that says Hey, I’m present! And not only that, I’m interesting! Please think of me later and how interesting and engaging you thought I was!

But I can no more put my entire personality into one string of dialog than I can in one kiss. Which is why I need to let it go. Stop the commentary in my mind that tells me when I should speak and what I should say. I overanalyze. You do not need to validate yourself through your speech. Your presence will be felt through sheer display of emotion. Eye contact. Be there. Please, allow yourself to fall into another’s gaze. Let the dark pools of their eyes consume you and breathe into your desperate soul the words I love you. 

I love you.